Sticks and stones

So, first, the letter, I suppose. Call it a pre-emptive strike.

Dear Patrick Reed's Lawyer:

Please do not threaten to sue me when I call your client a big ol' douchenozzle, and also suggest what Dale Earnhardt once suggested his critics do: Tie a kerosene rag around his ankles to keep the ants from crawling up and eating his candy ass.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
The Blob

Maybe you haven't heard of Patrick Reed and his little misadventure down there in the Bahamas, so here's the backstory: Patrick Reed is a professional golfer -- a pretty damn good one who won the Masters a couple of years back -- and he's also, well, kind of a douchenozzle. Which is to say, he's not a particularly likeable guy. The word "jerk" might even come into play.

Anyway, Patrick Reed was down in the Bahamas not long ago, playing in the Hero World Challenge. Apparently he swiped at some sand behind his golf ball taking a practice swing, which apparently is against the rules for some reason. And so he was assessed a two-stroke penalty.

After which Reed claimed it wasn't intentional, and that the camera angle made it look like he was cheating when he actually wasn't.

Enter suspect cover story. Also, enter Golf Channel analyst Brandel Chamblee, who took a break from explaining how he got his way-cool first name to repeat the allegations that Reed cheated.

In short order, a letter arrived from Reed's attorney demanding that Chamblee cease and desist from expressing this opinion. This was lawyer-speak for essentially saying "Hey! No fair!"

Alas, the horse had already fled the barn. Reed was mercilessly heckled during the President's Cup in Australia, to the extent that his caddie went after one of the hecklers and got what amounted to a game misconduct -- i.e., he wasn't allowed to caddie for Reed thereafter. And because lawyers haven't yet figured out how to threaten hecklers with lawsuits for expressing their opinions, Reed had to just stand there and take it.

(I suspect this gross injustice will eventually be corrected here in the land of the free and the home of the brave and the easily butt-hurt. Fortunately freedom of speech hasn't yet been completely obliterated by court filings, however.)

Here's the thing: The reason Reed was heckled, and the reason folks such as Brandel Way-Cool Name Chamblee didn't give him the benefit of the doubt and didn't believe his explanation, goes back to the kind-of-a-douchenozzle business. A man's reputation really does proceed him, and Reed's reputation is, yes, sort of jerk-ish. Throwing his lawyer at Brandel Chamblee certainly won't alter that perception; it just adds "crybabyin' wuss" to his resume.

In any event, he's made his own bed. And that's entirely on him.

Know how I know this?

Because once upon a time -- 46 years ago, to be exact -- Gary Player did almost exactly the same thing Patrick Reed did at the 1974 British Open. No one ever accused him of cheating. And that's because he was Gary Player, universally respected by everyone in the game.

Something Patrick Reed might consider, were he at all the introspective type.