A little horse pucky

Two days now until the Kentucky Derby, which means it's high time for the Blob's annual paean to the Twin Spires ("Look! Two of 'em!"), and that song by Dan Fogelberg ("Run for the Roses"), and the worst mixed drink ever concocted by man or beast, the mint julep.

(Also, Kentucky Colonels. Also, ladies' hats designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. Also, gratuitous references to Mister Ted, the main character in the Blob's unfortunate column about a talking horse, and the line "gray horses are frequently Alpo," which the Blob recycles every year.)

("Yes, we're aware," you're saying.)

Anyway ... the Eleventy-Hundredth running of the Derby is Saturday, which compels the Blob to again make stupid puns involving the word "furlong," and to confuse "fetlock" with "Matlock" and "withers" with "Bill Withers."  It also means it's time for the Blob to spit out a whole lot of useless observations that will tell you nothing about which horse to put your money on this year.

1.  Do not put your money on Omaha Beach.

This is because Omaha Beach, the presumptive favorite, has been scratched. Apparently he has an entrapped epiglottis, which is correctable by minor surgery but inhibits his breathing.

In strict medical terms, this means Omaha Beach has "an owie."

2. Do not bet Gray Magician, either.

This is because Gray Magician is the longest shot in the field at (as of yesterday) 50-1. He also hasn't won a race this year. He also has a trainer (Peter Miller) whose only other Derby horse finished next-to-last.

On the other hand, his jockey is Drayden Van Drake, which might be the coolest jockey name ever. Drayden Van Drake is 23 years old according to his driver's license. Actually, though, he's 12.

I mean, look at the guy.

3. On the other hand, you might consider putting a couple bucks down on Plus Que Parfait.

He's a longshot, too (30-1). But, come on, it's Plus Que Parfait. And as Donkey said in "Shrek," parfaits are delicious.

Also, everybody likes 'em.

4. Also, there's Win Win Win.

He'll come out of the 14 hole and has a jockey (Julian Pimentel) who's never ridden in a Derby before, and a trainer (Mike Trombella) who's only had a mount in one.

On the other hand, he is named Win Win Win. So how can he lose?

"Seriously, though, Mr. Blob," you're saying now. "Who do you like to win?"

I like a horse to win this year.

"Dammit!" you're saying.

A horse with fetlocks and withers and all the other requisite horse parts, as long as they're not gray.

"Stop it!"

OK, OK. Actually, you could do worse with the new favorite, Game Winner. He was the 2-year-old champion. His trainer, that guy with the white hair (Baffle? Buffet? Something like that) says he's a "fighter" and a general bad-ass. Plus, the trainer, whose actual name is Bob Baffert, has trained a Triple Crown winner twice in the last four years.

So, yeah. Game Winner. Or maybe Improbable, another White-Hair Guy horse, despite his name. Or maybe Tacitus -- who won the Wood Memorial even though he's  gray, and even though his jockey and trainer (Jose Ortiz and Bill Mott) are a combined 0-for-12 in the Derby.

This means Gray Magician might actually run faster than Tacitus come Saturday.

Though probably not furlong.