Super Bowl LIII, explained

Back from gentler climes and the general laying of waste to impeccably manicured golfing-type places, and now the Blob is prepared to answer all your Super Bowl LIII questions.

First question: "What was the greatest Super Bowl ad?"

Your answer: There weren't any greatest Super Bowl ads.

There was a Bud Light ad defaming corn syrup, which really needs an ad campaign of its own. (Perhaps Lord Fructose shows up to kick the Bud Light knight's ass). There was another Bud Light ad with dragons and stuff that was utterly lost on everyone not conversant with "Game of Thrones." And of course there was some guy who looked like Andy Warhol dipping a Burger King Whopper in ketchup, which was utterly lost on everyone except one art critic living in a loft in Soho.

Then there was the halftime show starring Maroon 5, which all the people who hate Maroon 5 thought sucked because it was Maroon 5 and so it didn't matter if Maroon 5 had hit it clean out of the park, the Maroon 5 haters were going to say it sucked.

Also Big Boi, whoever the hell that is. I'm considerably older than 35, so the only Big Boi I know is a decent double decker burger.

"Enough about Big Boi. What about the game, Mr. Blob?" you're saying now.

("No, we're not!" you're actually saying).

Ah, yes, the game.

Well. The Blob has a few thoughts on that, too:

1. That was one boring-ass first half. Also one boring-ass third quarter.

Or in other words: Another common narrative about Football Today debunked.

Which is, it's just a video game now, a place where Patrick Mahomes and Jared Goff and all the other kiddos can put up the high score without fear of getting their hair mussed. This is because (the narrative goes) no one is allowed to play defense anymore. You can't breathe on the quarterback, you can't touch receivers, you can't tackle anyone unless your shoulders are at a 45-degree angle to the squared hypotenuse or some such thing.

Well, my goodness. Did Supe LIII blow that one to shards, or what?

Yeah, it was boring (mostly). Yeah, for 45 minutes or so it was the Punt, Pass and Kick contest without the "pass" part. But it gave the lie to the notion that the rules won't let you shut down offenses anymore.

You can still do it, and the way you do it is the same way defenses have always done it: With positioning, with scheme and technique, by taking away what opponents do well and forcing them to do what they don't do well, if at all.

That's what both defenses did last night, for the most part. It's what the Patriots did a little better than the Rams. The latter especially threw a bewildering maze of shifts and rush angles at Rams quarterback Jared Goff, who was sacked four times and was frequently befuddled otherwise.

And speaking of which ...

2. Once again Bill Belichick messed with a young quarterback's head.

No one is better than Darth Hoodie at this. No one. Probably ever.

3. Did the Rams watch the Patriots-Chiefs or Patriots-Chargers video? At all?

Because, once again, the Patriots ran the football effectively. They ran on the Chargers, they ran on the Chiefs, they ran on the Rams. And even if the Rams were mostly successful at stifling them, once again the Patriots found a way to move the football when they absolutely had to move the football.

It's why they remain the pre-eminent franchise in professional football. By miles and miles.

4. Did the Rams mistake Julian Edelman for another Julian? Like, one who doesn't get open all night and catch everything Tom Brady throws to him?

Speaking of finding a way ...

The Patriots almost always find a way. Or so it seems.

One game they throw to James White a gazillion times. One game they throw to Chris Hogan or Gronk. One game they just line up and let Sony Michel lug it all night.

Last night?

They ran Michel until the Rams were forced to respect the run. Then they threw to Edelman underneath one, two, three, 10 times for 141 yards. Then Gronk ran a rare vertical route and Brady found him for the catch that set up the game's only touchdown and broke the Rams' back.

Brady-to-Gronk covered 29 yards on that play. Gronkowski had averaged just 11 yards a catch prior to that. He finished with six catches for 87 yards; of his 13 catches in the playoffs, 12 came in the AFC title game and Super Bowl.

5. The downside to Super LIII? Same-old, same-old. The upside? At least reprehensible Rams owner Stan Kroenke didn't get to put his grubby paws on the Lombardi Trophy.

Although Patriots owner Robert Kraft, still a water carrier for Our Only Available President, did.

Maybe OOAP will serve Kraft and the Patriots a passel of Big Macs at the White House in grateful appreciation.

Although, personally, I prefer Big Bois. Or Boys. Whatever.