Dead Solid For Real

In the end, reality one-upped fiction. Which should have surprised no one given the state of the country these days, when fiction has become official government policy.

At any rate, Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson did their little head-to-head deal yesterday, and it ended in a scene straight out of Dan Jenkins' legendary golf novel, "Dead Solid Perfect." What they did was, they went Goat Hills on the thing.

Goat Hills, in Jenkins' novel, was a scruffy track in Fort Worth, Texas, where the novel's protagonist, Kenny Puckett, learned the nuances of the game. In one scene, he and the other Runyonesque characters who frequented Goat Hills decided on a unique wager: They'd play one mammoth hole that started on the golf course, wound through Fort Worth, and ended in the closet of one of the players. First one to hole out in a loafer lying on its side in said closet won the pot.

Enter Tiger and Lefty.

Who, after settling nothing through 18 holes and one playoff hole, decided to pay tribute to the loafer-in-the-closet scenario. They invented an extra, 20th hole -- a 93-yarder that began on the practice putting green behind the clubhouse and ended in a newly cut hole on the 18th green.

It took three tries, but Mickelson finally won it with a four-footer.

This immediately got the Blob playing its favorite game, "What If?" As in, "What if they kept playing and no one could win the made-up hole? Would they make up other stuff to settle it?"

The Blob, naturally, has a few suggestions in that area:

1. A chipping contest in the parking lot. First one to chip a ball through the driver's side window of the other guy's car and into the cupholder wins. Bonus points for denting the other guy's car.

2. A chipping contest in the pro shop. First one to chip the ball into Judge Smails' ugly hat from outside the door wins. Loser has to wear Judge Smails' ugly hat at next year's Masters.

3. The Ty Webb Blindfold Challenge. Closest to the pin wins. And no peeking.

4. Putting contest at Pirate Mike's Yo-Ho Miniature Golf. First one to bank one in off the treasure chest and the giant flagon of ale wins. Loser has to wear an eyepatch and answer all questions with "Arrrr, matey" at next year's Masters.

And last but not least ...

5. Proxy shooting contest between Larry Bird and Michael Jordan. Off the floor, off the scoreboard, off the bankboard, no rim. Go.