And now the long awaited end of the hiatus, which kinda rhymes with "hate us," which is what you're saying now because the Blob is bringing back The NFL In So Many Words, the long-running feature that's been hailed as "stupid," "incomprehensible" and "so bad just reading it will make you dumber than Matt Patricia.":
1. Matt Patricia!
2. (Will now shave his beard to avoid detection in Detroit, and also to look more like his predecessor, Jim Caldwell, who at least never lost 48-17 at home to the freaking Jets, for God's sake, who were starting a freaking rookie quarterback, for God's sake. And making him look like Joe Freaking Namath, for God's sake.)
3. Meanwhile, Jim Caldwell be all like "What? I'm fired? For Beard Guy? Really?"
4. Hey, look! It's Willis Reed limping onto the court again!
5. Oh, sorry. That was Aaron Rodgers, limping out to beat the Bears again. Our bad.
6. Hey, look! It's the Great Jon Gruden!
7. Oh, sorry. It's just Jon Gruden, Some Dude Who Won A Super Bowl Eleventy-Hundred Years Ago. Our bad.
8. Meanwhile, the Browns!
9. Tied, dammit! Tied!
10. Take that, doubters.
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