Shinnecock Hell

Remember yesterday, when the Blob warned you about Shinnecock Hills, saying they'd be all but sowing land mines and hiding leg-hold traps and punji sticks in the equatorial rough?

Turns out I might not have been exaggerating all that much.

This just in from Shinnecock Hell, where the first round of the U.S. Open is in the books and gave us some really thrilling golf. OK, so not.

Actually, what we really got was a bunch of muni hacks posing as professional golfers. We got four players --- four, count 'em -- breaking par. And all four shot dazzling 1-under 69s.

Some of the biggest names in golf shot, um, considerably worse than that.

Tiger Woods, the Man Who Moves The Needle, shot an 8-over 78. So did Jordan Spieth. Phil Mickelson fared much better, shooting 77. And Rory McIlroy shot a 10-over 80.

You know who shoots 80s?

Your neighbor. Or his neighbor. Or the aforementioned Joe Schmo from Kokomo, the aluminum-siding salesman with his 30-year-old sticks and cargo shorts.

That's just insane. Know what's even more insane?

That some people think this is actually intriguing golf, watching Rory McIlroy shoot 80.

Only in the world of strangeness that is golf does this sort of logic make sense. No one thinks it's a great show when Steph Curry has an off night and goes 4-for-23. No one thought it was intriguing when Goodyear brought a tire to Indy in 2008 that couldn't handle the race course, and the best drivers in NASCAR had to pit every 10 laps or so to change rubber. And if NASCAR or IndyCar so tricked up a race course that half the field crashed or suffered mechanical failures by the 50th lap, no one would declare it a grand spectacle.

Hell, no. They'd do what fans who had to sit through Tiregate did: Demand their money back.

As would I in this instance. You want to trick up your course to absurd lengths, fine. You want to make it so the players have to putt the ball through the windmill or chip it into the hippo's mouth, have at it. But I don't want to watch it. If I wanted to watch golfers shoot 80s, I'd go to my local course on Saturday morning and just follow a group around.

But Rory or Tiger or Phil or Jordan?

I want to see them have at least a chance to play like Rory or Tiger or Phil or Jordan. I want to see more than four people break par. Call me crazy.